I developed a theory.

I set myself unrealistic expectations and standards you see, and there is a reason I believe.

See I've suffered heart ache with relationships all my life.

With the girlies before I knew I was gay.

And definately with the guys.

So nowadays I find myself falling for straighties.

You can see where those infatuations lead.

No where.

So you see, I reckon I fall for them fully knowing I will never have them, thus I will never be in a relationship and therefore will not get heart broken.

The only problem is that with falling in love with straight guys, I end up getting hurt anyway.

Staying up late at night wishing I wasn't so alone.

Feeling empty and cold in my heart.

Having enough love to share with the world, but no one who returns it to me.

Sure I love all my frinds like family. And they love me back.

But the love between two people when they are in a relationship is different and I crave it.

I hunger for it.

And I find myself feeling the equivalent to an third world country in my starvation for love.

So perhaps the answer to my problem is simple.

Stop being scared of getting hurt.

Stop avoiding the possibility of hurt.

Perhaps take some of my own advice...

"If you do not try you set yourself up for failure before it begins.

If you try, at least you have a chance."

And the age old classic.

"You gotta be in it to win it."

I think It's time I did a self-overhaul.

Sit down and work myself out (again) and get over this fear of rejection and pain.

Because I have discovered that this fear is holding me back.

And that also ties in with something I have always said.

"Don't let your fears hold you back from your dreams."

So the moral of this story, and the lesson or piece of advice I give is that.

"Don't let your fears hold you back from your dreams."

Got the job. Hella cool awesomeness for me.

Jekyll and Hyde opens on friday... Woah...

Working tonight and missing a vital rehearsal... Crap damn bugger shit bum poo.

I told my boss I couldn't work after 630 this week and he thought I meant I could only be rostered on after 630...

I fixed up all my other shifts except for tonight. Hell damn titty fart.

So yeah, with two nights to go I miss a rehearsal and yeah...

I am sooooo tired.

Tafe is good too.

I am sooooo tired.

And I'm feeling myself slipping as well...

But I'm coping well, and I will continue with it because I can.

So neah.

Go Me!!!

I wrote my new and improved résumé.

I freaked out for the hundredth time about the job interview I have on Thursday.

I worried about how I'm going to pay rent this fortnight AND have enough money to survive another fortnight.

I wondered what my friends were doing.

I stressed about TAFE work.

I got excited about how cool it would be if I got this job.

I day dreamed about what it will be like when I got o my first Bartending competition.

I pondered the Meaning of Life and the basics of Metaphysics.

I wished I had a car and some more money.

I also wished I had something to eat.

I went onto Explorer Country.com to look for local knowledge about Orange and found nothing.

I freaked out some more about my increasing pile of TAFE work with due days looming.

I got freaked out again by the prospective job.

I stressed heaps about all little random things that I don't even remember.

Overall Mood:

Surprisingly Good. Feel a little down, a little tired, but I also feel rather contwent with what I've achieved today. As stressed and nervous and anxious and freaked out I am about all the things I've mentioned, I am also really really excited. Kinda scared though. And i think that's what been holding me back all this time. So really I should take my own advice and get rid of that fear. It's just a fear of people, a fear of judgement, a fear of the unknown, a fear of failure... A big fear actually. But I need o conquer in order to succeed. Clearly. So yeah.

Wish me luck!

I'm gunna bum around on the net for another hour before I go up and see my teacher and ask his opinion on my résumé. Woople.

Toodles Doodles!   (( sneh sneh sneh ))

Matty D.

Howdy doo...

A fair bit's been happening lately. Funnily enough, I feel like every day is so busy, but at the same time I'm not doing anything and I'm getting no where. Well, just to update you on the present, I'm in Canowindra, at home wif mah mum and sisters. I had to vote and I am still enrolled in canowindra so I came home for the weekened. Anyways. I'm actually living back in Orange... Again... With a friend of mine from school. We've known each other since year 7 and we kinda grew up together. Her boyfriend stays a couple of nights a week too, so it's a pretty mad set up. There are some mad parties at our house let me tell you that much. The boys downstairs come up and visit heaps too, we've been playing poker a fair bit lately. I'm actually getting pretty good.

I still need a job... *sigh*

I'm getting rather frustrated with that situation. Yeah I winge and bitch, I winge a lot about not having a job,  and people say to me "Do something about it" but don't you think I have? Trust me, I'm doing everything I can to get a job. I could be doing music, my passion, at Tafe, but I'm doing Hospitality Management so that I have qualifications to get a good job with good money. I've got a pretty good resume (admittedly it needs to be updated) and there must be twenty businesses around Orange that have a copy.

I could be in freakin' Uni.

But I'm trying to get a job instead.

I could be in Sydney singing and dancing...

But I'm in Orange trying to get a job.

Anyways...

I'm in Jekyll and Hyde the musical. Which I've already mentioned... But that's going good. Me and SC have started going to dance and singing workshops for Cats which is coming up at the end of the year, and that's pretty awesome. SC has been wanting to get back into dance again, we danced together a couple of years ago when we were still in school and she's really quite good.

So that's cool.

Hmm... Love life? Non-existent. End of Story.

Um... Tafe? Great. Been sick the last week and half so I havn't been to Tafe. Some horrible respiratory infection. Lots of green mucus coming out of my face and drowning me in my sleep. Yummy... *vomit*

No, Tafe is good. It's a great course and the teachers are awesome. They take care of me.

Er... I'm trying to think of other things to talk about...

Oh yeah, March 11 was the anniversary of my Dad's death.

The day itself was actually really good. Me and DH moved the loungeroom around that day and suprised SC, and then we all got wickedly drunk (the boys downstairs came up) and everyone DH and SC commented on how well the day had gone for me.

It took a slight turn for the worst later on after I got even drunker and I threw a bottle against the cement. Don't know why. Couldn't even remember it until they told me to sweep it up the next day. Which I did.

No... The hardest thing about the anniversary of Dad's passing was the anticipation.

The two weeks leading up to it I was a nervous wreck.

And the week after it I was heaps scattered, like my head was so tired from being so tense and stressed that it just let it go and flopped around like a dying fish.

But overall it wasn't that bad.

Living with SC is great. It always makes a difference when you actually know the person you live with. When we were in school she was one of the very few people who actually spoke to me and treated me nice. She was my best friend all through school and we've been through so much together. Our friendship is a very deep running one. She's actually the first girl I ever fell in love with. Also the last one I ever asked out before I went fully gay. Lol. And that opens a whole can of worms with all the other girls that were absolutely devastated when I went gay. *falls to the floor laughing so hard tears are pooling around him*

Anyway. That's enough of an update for me. You know the basics of whats been happening in my life.

I don't want to bitch about shit because I made a resolution that I wouldn't do too much of that, so You guys have heard all the reasonably good stuff.

Love yas.

Peace out guys.

Matty D.

I have a new band phase.

Tool.

Yep, Tool. I love em. Wonder why I never had the opportunity of listening to them before though...

Anyways. Tafe is going goodly. Really goodly actually.

Had a bit of a downer day today. Just felt a bit under the weather. Nothing too worrying.

Things began picking up though towards the end. Now I feel like smiling a little more than I did when I woke up.

I dunno. Mum reckons we're all getting edgy cause it's coming up o the time when Dad died.

I dunno. Maybe. But you know, I'm not terribly bothered by it like I used to be.

I still have moments, but they're a rarity now.

I guess it'll trip me out a bit on the day though. But I'm preparing myself for it.

It spins me out a bit to think it's been almost 12 months. Time just flies by when your mind stops paying attention to the outside world huh? Lol.

Anyways. That's about all the news I have,.

Sept that I'm moving back to Orange coz of tafe and musical stuff and I'm living with Steph my bestest friend from school.

Happy times we have.

Anyways. Leaving youse now.

Catch ya cherubs!

Mwah.

Matty D.

Yeah well hi.

How is ya all?

Woot to that mate!

I've had two rehearsals now for Jekyll and Hyde, its gunna rock.

I'm also going to move in with a friend of mine from school.

Provided her lease can be renewed.

We've known each other since we were 11, and we're both 20 this year.

We kinda grew up together and it's gunna rock!

Anyways... I guess that's all the news I have.

No wait...

One of my friends is getting married.

In Canberra.

So I'll be in Canberra from the 16 to the 19 and it shall rock.

So yeah...

Toodles!